This passivity!
It's a saturday.. officially a holiday but there is work to be done.. it has piled up over a lazy week spent at office doing nothing but playing a few games of table-tennis, orkutting and reading blogs/wikipedia and chatting... and all I can manage now is to sit and stare at the screen (not at the excel sheets and market reports though) and listen to music.. The empty coffee cup lies desolately on the table after making an abortive effort to stimulate some grey matter inside my brain. It isnt dead yet. It still frets about the things to do, the deadlines etc. but that is all it is capable of now and no more....
Long long time ago, the mind wasn't this numb. It liked doing things faster and better than everyone around. It wanted to know more than anybody else. It loved books, of all kinds. It loved being questioned, liked raising a few too. And revelled in knowing the answers to the unknown. The hand would invariably rise in any class. Eyes would try to make contact with those of the teacher to grab attention. It was methodical, clinical in it's approach to anything. Failure was despised so much so that a kite that didn't fly on a windless day would bring down tears. The crumbling house made of playing cards would cause much heart break. And now..
...the inquisitiveness and confidence of a 14 year old have been replaced by the anxiety and fear of a 24 year old. Simple things take time to accomplish. It is impossible to stick to a plan. The mind wanders easily, often, to completely unconcerning issues. It tends to go into a state of worrisome restlessness. Competition is not savored but feared. Criticism is accepted without a word of protest, without any effort to prove it wrong or work on a mistake. Is this an unending spiral to the bottom? I shudder to think so. The mind still wants to break free of the claustrophobic walls that it has built around itself. It still believes this isn't me.. this can't be me. May be there is still a way out of this limbo.. Hope is afterall a good thing, probably the best of things...
Long long time ago, the mind wasn't this numb. It liked doing things faster and better than everyone around. It wanted to know more than anybody else. It loved books, of all kinds. It loved being questioned, liked raising a few too. And revelled in knowing the answers to the unknown. The hand would invariably rise in any class. Eyes would try to make contact with those of the teacher to grab attention. It was methodical, clinical in it's approach to anything. Failure was despised so much so that a kite that didn't fly on a windless day would bring down tears. The crumbling house made of playing cards would cause much heart break. And now..
...the inquisitiveness and confidence of a 14 year old have been replaced by the anxiety and fear of a 24 year old. Simple things take time to accomplish. It is impossible to stick to a plan. The mind wanders easily, often, to completely unconcerning issues. It tends to go into a state of worrisome restlessness. Competition is not savored but feared. Criticism is accepted without a word of protest, without any effort to prove it wrong or work on a mistake. Is this an unending spiral to the bottom? I shudder to think so. The mind still wants to break free of the claustrophobic walls that it has built around itself. It still believes this isn't me.. this can't be me. May be there is still a way out of this limbo.. Hope is afterall a good thing, probably the best of things...
posted by VK @ 4:36 PM
3 comments
3 Comments:
Its all upto you I guess, changing or not.
I guess Inner circle and B1st had a lot in helpin u become a better person!
Anyways...the more important question u need to ask urself is whether u were happier earlier or now because other things have also changed since then...
'Welcome to the real world!'
- Morpheus, Matrix
Our world of school and college was a make believe world, I guess the one we are in now is the more 'real' one; obviously we'll have problems in transition, but then everyone has them
But then I was wondering, if this transition is so difficult to manage, how will our future crises (middle age, existential)be? scary thought
Guhan
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